Disclaimer: I have no intention to hurt anyone’s religious, social, or emotional sentiments. I might sound like an acidic agony aunt, you can call it a lockdown effect.
Writing about the taboo word “sex” in your very first independent post is pretty scandalous. Why is this word a taboo in our society? Every second person is looking for a date, with the desire to get in between the sheets with them. Here I am at the ripe old age still trying to figure it out.
Born and brought up in a family where it imperative to change the channel when a Kamasutra ad flashed while watching the Sunday evening movie, talking openly about sex was totally out of question. With no cable connection, Chitrahar and Movies on Sunday evening were the only windows in that closed castle.
Anyways, for me sex was like a forbidden fruit, which one just speculated and fantasies about. Once, we did an experiment with a condom packet stolen from my parents. We tried to decipher the language on the packet like a hidden code word. Unable to figure it out, we burnt it in frustration.
I grew up and studied in an all-girls school with no boys around; Except for a Bhaiya to drop us and bring us back from school. At some point in time, that Bhaiya became my first crush. And what a tough competition it was, with my siblings, two of my neighborhood friends, all crushing on him. Since my father had a transferable job, change of school happened every four years. Making new friends was a big task and to have a steady boyfriend was a pipe dream. I had lot of young men in my society, but they treated me like a little girl; probably because I had a relatively smaller bra size.
While growing up, all I yearned was to have a boyfriend; someone who would kiss me, whenever I wanted; hug me and cuddle me in tough times; dream with me. Though, I had no idea about step two of kissing. My adult education was very limited. There was no detailing in movies and had no idea about green blue films.
I was a pretty inquisitive 90’s teenager but somehow all my encounters never went beyond stage one. All the scores on my scoreboard were just of kisses. The dream of having pre-marital adventure never occurred.
With my coming of age, came the increased anxiety of my parents. As with most Indian parents, more so in the ’90s, when a girl reaches a certain age, the blaring red sign goes in their mind. She is old enough to explore. They can’t handle this “khuli tizori ” anymore. The quest for finding the new owner for their untouched flower begins.
In arranged marriages the girls are clueless about this new owner. Most of the times she just gets to steal a glance while serving him tea and samosa when he visits to choose “the perfect flower”. Parents would present their flowers in the best possible manner. Finally, the deal is official, aka they get married.
Big First Night
If you are a virgin, the first night can be a nightmarish experience for you. Man trying his level best to impress the already half-dead bride, who is exhausted after performing all the mumbo jumbo of the Indian weddings. Anyways, by the end of the night, the seal is broken.
Now commences the cycle of karma. Payback time. All Daddy’s little angels and princesses are assigned one and only task i.e “please everyone”. Coo.k, clean, and wash. Rinse and repeat the next day. If you are fortunate, you might have a companion(maid).
My mum was a working woman. Challenges of her life seeded these thoughts that for a comfortable life I should be a homemaker. I had big, rosy dreams. Waiting for my husband, take care of everyone, and then welcoming my husband in the evening, with a smile, gave me joy.
Going nonstop from morning to night, fulfilling everyone’s needs, I gradually forgot to dream and this became the sole purpose marriage
Soon after, I became a mom. In the hustle-bustle and responsibilities of motherhood, I forgot the word “sex”. I lost all my interest. My husband too stopped showing interest in me. He felt I was thinking of my toddlers even when I was in bed with him.
Once at a party, I overheard two men complaining about their wives. How his wife showed no interest in being physical with him after children. That she had even stopped visiting the salon. He continued his rambling and said, “I am planning to signup on a dating app. She has become a cold fish now”.
I was tempted to break the te-a-te and ask, “Is it her sole responsibility to raise a child? Does he even know what being a mother means?” I wanted to scream, “Idiots, this woman is the mother of your child. She has given up all her comforts to raise that child.” And I just walked away.
Something just snapped that day. Like a movie, I had a flashback of my life, how desperate I was to get married. To have a man of my own, who would kiss me, cuddle and embrace me. We would talk all night about moons and stars. Weaving dreams together. All I wanted was to feel special.
And here I am today, the same girl who gave her virginity to this special man, lost and devastated. I wanted companionship and acceptance and not constantly reminded about weight gain and missed salon sessions. I realized in the effort of making everyone feel special and loved, I had forgotten to love myself.
Sex is not just an act to reproduce and have babies. It’s an act in which a woman surrenders herself to a man, and in return, the man loves her, completely and unconditionally.
I don’t think we need to marry just to have a man of our own to have sex with; to feel special. Why not focus on other aspects of life.
I feel that losing yourself at the cost of having a man of your own who would have sex with u exclusively is a big one to pay.
License for sex is a costly affair for sure
Photo credit: Google Images